I think I'm going to change my URL for this blog

That way I can reveal more about my crazy life and the people in it. I'd like to tell you some interesting anecdotes about what's been going on with me lately and why I haven't updated much at all in the past few weeks. I don't feel comfortable doing that at this point because some things involved in these stories some people will not understand and might get a certain perception of me that I'd rather not have to deal with from now til forever because I made this blog public to my Facebook friends. Anyway, more on all this later, most likely. I hate to leave you with a cryptic blog entry and leave you in suspense. You know, all 3 of you that read this.

My computer is an old, used up piece of shit

I feel bad dissing my MacBook since Steve Jobs just died. But I'm goig to anyway because a lot of it is my fault. I've lived in some unsavory places and had a lot of drunken, drugged up nights in my past and my laptop sort of reflects that. It's like 4 years old which is really too old anyway. The only reason I mention any of this is I'm basically hoping someone with a fetish for large feet will read this and want to exchange pictures of my feet for an iPad or tablet of kind. I also don't have a problem with exploiting my husbands feet for cash and prizes but his are even funkier and hairier than mine so it might be harder to find the right audience for that. I realize this is a sorry ass come-back after weeks of not blogging but this is more of an anti-comeback. I'm just letting you know that the laptops in this house are in a sorry state and nearly unusable and it's annoying to type all this shit out on my phone. I will at least try to blog short entries more often until I can get a tablet or new laptop.

DEAR EVERYONE ON FLIGHT 607 OUT OF DALLAS, TX LAST NIGHT

Just want to say a big SUCK IT to pretty much everyone in the first 40 rows. As I walked down the aisle, you all avoided my "can i please sit here" gaze or looked at me like you would rather sit with someone with leprosy than someone with a baby. IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, my son giggled and gabbed the whole way and was A TOTAL FUCKING PEACH. So you missed out. :P nah nah nah

Also, to the parents of that baby that actually did cry the entire flight: I feel for you, I know there's not much you could do, he was just uncomfortable. It must suck to have a baby that is not 100% pure awesome. Sorry.


Love,
Me

Yeah, basically EXACTLY this.

Every day I learn new things. And I usually wish I didn't.

My husband and I just learned a fun new word from the folks at Cracked.com
Are you ready? Chucklefucking. As in "Hold on just one chucklefucking second!" or "That's half the temperature of the chucklefucking sun!"

On an unrelated note, have you ever gone to that site that shows you a map of where all the child molesters in your neighborhood live? Well, we just watched a news doc on OWN about sex offenders and you might be surprised to learn that many of them opt to congregate and live in the large groups in the woods. Like a pack of dangerous wild animals. Does a rapist shit in the woods? Apparently, yes. That sounds great, right? Sounds like they are far away from your children! Yay! Just stay away from wooded areas, kids, and you'll be fine! Except NO, because if you think about it, it's pretty hard to keep tabs on someone who's mailing address is Purple Tent Left of Some Pine Trees, THE CHUCKLEFUCKING WOODS. So yeah maybe they sleep in the woods but maybe they eat lunch at Chuckie Cheese's every day. No one is sure.

Dear Diary, today my fondest childhood wish came true...

SOMEONE HAS FOUND A WAY TO MAKE SOME CRAZY DIY MOONSHINE VERSION OF HI-C ECTO COOLERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! 

thank you to thedailywh.at for bringing this to my attention, and to comicsalliance.com for apparently making a really retarded but FUCK YEAH INFORMATIVE video on how to re-create what I think we can all agree was the best drink ever made that doesn't involve vodka.

WELL GEE, DEAR...

THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE OF ALL THE ARSENIC I PUT IN IT :)
(psst, this is a link, click it! ^^^)

That just happened. wow.

So I just had to delete a facebook friend and fellow alumni of my highschool from my friend's list because they keep obsessively posting videos about Hollywood Blood Sacrifices and The Entertainment Industry's ties to the Illuminati and Satan worshiping and other crazy ass conspiracy theories that frankly, I don't buy into and beyond that, I don't even give two shits about. If rap artists or actors or whoever the fuck else wants to kill each other for Satan so that they sell more records or movie tickets or whatever, I really can't prove it or stop it so, go nuts. Hail Satan. I'm just unable to give half a rat's ass because there is no way for me to prove that this shit is true instead of just what you'd expect: that they died just how the coroner said they did. Which is usually drugs. And also I don't know any of them personally and it's all none of my fucking business if they did drugs or worshiped Satan. But sure, you want to believe that some other famous person killed them to become more famous, ok. But I don't want to hear about it all day. Keep your crazy to yourself. But I decided to watch some of the videos anyway just to see how convincing they would be. And actually, you know what? I found myself thinking "well, this is all massively inconvenient and complex but not impossible. And people will do insane shit for fame and fortune. So, ok, I'll play. UNTIL THEY JUMPED INTO THE DEEP END OF THE CRAZY POOL, HEAD FIRST. Do yourself a solid and just skip to this little gem of a section from about 5:47-6:56

NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING (people that know me, anyway). You're thinking, oh ok Anne, they started talking about Kurt Cobain, your teenage idol, and you got all butt hurt and ignored the truth! No, fucktard. The whole concept that Kurt knew about the future 9/11 tragedy back in like '93 and WAS TRYING TO WARN US VIA A PICTURE OF HIMSELF WEARING A SHIRT HE DREW ON HIMSELF IN THE BOOKLET OF HIS BAND'S CD THAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO INVERT AND SQUINT AT TO SEE WHAT KINDA SORTA LOOKS LIKE IT COULD SAY 911 IF YOU WERE DRUNK AND ON SOMAS. And so, of course the Illuminati killed him at 27 and made it look an awful lot like a suicide (or his full tilt bozo fellow drug addict wife killing him, whichever theory you subscribe to). He was just too much of a threat! Obvi.

Dude.... what?! These people are so crazy it's almost really awesome. Like, a Beautiful Mind awesome.

OH YEAH, P-FUCKING-S: Please if you and I are acquaintances or friends and you are this big of a nut job, just go ahead and tell me now. It's kind of relevant to whether I can ever take you seriously in any capacity ever again in my life. thanks a bunch.

This isn't even a rant, I just thought you should know about it.

click this and then read my post. (Make sure you don't need to pee, first!)

i can't sleep so i'm reading other blogs on the internet. i found this blog and it's honest to god the BEST thing ever. thank you, random blog about asinine rap lyrics. i am crying with laughter and i finally feel validated about my opinion on how much most rap sucks. here is just one example of the hilarity to be found on this site. Bowel movements and the difficulty that sometimes accompanies these bodily functions are a valid topic for rap songs and are full of potential for rich and colorful metaphors and rhyme schemes. proof positive that rap is a legitimate art form and should be taken seriously. i'm really glad that guys like this own 20 cars and 10 million dollar homes. with the ability to weave lyrical tapestries like this, they deserve all that and more. so many words come to mind while i am reading these snippets of ACTUAL ASS RAP LYRICS. words like "provocative", "eloquent", and "insightful". fuck, i can't even mock this any more, it's too idiotic. These kinds of lyrics don't need my help to sounds stupid.

Things I can't imagine ever doing unless (and maybe even if) my life depended on it:

1) Eat my own (or anyone else's) placenta
2) LARP (live action role play)
3) Be a mortician
4) Try to create dinosaurs (a la Jurassic Park)
5)Be a forensic whatever-the-hell or cop or anything that might involve me having to deal with serial killers who wear people's skin as suits and the people they leave skinless. I just can't deal with gouged out eyeballs or any other type of mangling or mutilation.
6) Let ANYONE stick ANYTHING in my anus
7) Carry more than triplets to full term and birth them all. I'm sorry, NO. Judge me all you want but I'd rather choose a few to keep and abort the rest or never have any children again than carry like 8 babies. That's unnatural.
8) Marry some old ass dude for his money. I can't even think about what an 80 or 90 year old's dick and balls look like without spewing much less interact with said dude's package in the ways that I would probably have to.
9) Drown puppies or kittens. Sorry, old farmer dudes, I understand too many of them can be a serious issue and they will die of hunger eventually if they are overpopulated, but Jesus hates you for that and so do I.
10) I probably could not eat a person to keep myself alive. At least not raw. You know, like if you were trapped on top of a mountain or in a desert with absolutely no way to feed yourself. We're assuming I had nothing to do with them dying, just so that's said. I just don't think i could cut a slab off someone or just grab a leg and dig in, even if it meant i would starve to death.
11) have sex with an animal.  i shouldn't even have to explain this or say anything more about that.
12) perform surgery on myself
13) I would never have "19 Kids And Counting"
14) I would never pierce or tattoo my coslopus
15) I would never have a sex change

that's all I can think of off the top of my head. tell me a few things you would never do in the comments, if you feel like it.

I wish I could promise you that this would be funny...

Some people find my rants and opinions HILARIOUS. Others, I'm pretty sure, find me obnoxious and irritating. The good news is that none of the latter have come forward with their negative opinions. Probably because they value the use of their knee caps. Anyway, It's come to my attention that just because people add you on facebook, it doesn't mean they want to read 4 paragraph updates 3 times a day about what pisses you off. And also my mother gets really tired of me dropping the F bomb in every post. My adoptive mother. My birth mom probably understands by this point that my love of swear words is certainly genetically inherited from her. So yes, If you didn't know, I have 2 moms. Also 3 dads (one bio, one adoptive, and one step) 3 brothers (2 half, one adoptive and genetically unrelated), and 7 living grandparents. It's an interesting life. Also, I have a husband and a son. But I'm only writing about all of them because eventually someone who doesn't know me might find this blog and be thoroughly confused by the cast of characters. So anyway. Yeah. I'm going to try writing a blog again. I have just recently gotten married, become an air force wife, found a whole slew of new family members, and had a baby! Plus I scan the internet daily for new things to have opinions about. So I should have a lot to say. Hopefully you occasionally find it amusing and entertaining. Don't be surprised if you also occasionally find yourself offended.